naked wrestling with ranch beans and vibrators

To prep for my flight on Thursday, I've shaved all hair from my body, plucked the strays and have been doing 1000 ab-crunches a day just in case the FAA makes me strip naked to pass through the metal detector. Oh, and since I recently lost 25 pounds, I'm not too worried.

I've packed all liquid in double ziploc bags in my suitcase and thrown out the citrus fertilizer I was going to bring to my mom for her mini-lemon tree. Not quite sure how I'm going to explain the Macayo's Enchilada Sauce and the Ranch Beans that I've carefully packed between skivvies and my interview suit. Hopefully they won't mistake the Rabbit Pearl as a detonator. I'm carrying my ID and a boarding pass to get on the flight. Should I even bother to wear shoes?

By the way, while we are consumed with this mock terror, there are more terrible things happening in the world. If we only focus on the shiny objects in the media, perhaps we can forget the information below:

Thought of the day:
We are spending $8 billion a month in Iraq. That's $2 billion each week, $267 million each day, or $11 million each hour. For what we spend in three weeks, we could make needed improvements in order to properly secure our public transportation systems. For what we spend in five days, we could put radiation detectors in all of our ports. And for two days in Iraq, we could screen all air cargo."