the beauty of being alone

listening to the same song over and over again without someone telling me to turn it off. loud, obnoxious karaoke in the middle of the night. finding a single ticket to the theatre when all the seats together are sold out. painting toenails on the couch while watching "Real Sex" and smoking a cigarette. night breeze through the window, sprawled on the bed, only frogs and me breathing. conversations with the dog, no interruption. the peace of only me. obsess. obsess. obsess. sleeping with the blinds open and waking up to sunshine. stretching across the whole bed. the spaces in between. cheese and crackers for dinner; every night. long hot showers. putting on that black dress and looking incredible for me. the delicious wait for the next first kiss. rabidly reading, without pause. rabidly daydreaming, without pause. knowing that everything before me is possible. shameless flirting. the entire closet filled with shoes, purses, and as many damn scarves as i want. strength. girl trips. whenever, wherever. not having to explain that gambling loss. calling my ex and thinking about slipping into old, bad habits. meeting my ex and slipping into old, bad habits. dumping him the next day and moving on. deciding to make cookies, eating half the batter while mixing and throwing out the rest without even turning the oven on. another tattoo without judgment, without telling anyone. painting poetry all over my walls. watching "practical magic" over and over. reaching the summit and feeling accomplishment. cleaning the house and knowing no one is coming home to mess it up. endless buffy marathons. no planning, just living. experiencing the train station, eyes closed, feeling the breeze from the train stir the cool, humid air. walking around naked. picking out my own jewelry and flowers. spontaneous disappearing. listening to garrison keillor every sunday morning. embracing more challenges - keeping my edge. afternoons spent with pictures. amassing an impressive collection of "toys." change. write without accountability. speak without accountability. cute containers of soup for one. not shaving my legs. not shaving there either. spending the holidays with the people i want to see. not having to explain why i unloaded an entire can of raid on a cricket. knowing new sex will happen. not sharing the last bag of popcorn. whispers to the moon are secret, pure. it's ok to be eccentric, odd, "out-there," weird, depressed, mad, drunk. red painted walls. learning, exploring, becoming a better me. simplified tax returns. contemplation. feeling complete.

you?