I hung up on myself.
Really, that is what it boils down to.
I stopped listening - slammed down the phone. And when I tried to dial back in, there wasn't a dial tone.
I just didn't want to hear the things that needed to be heard. I've been disconnected - out of my own loop of who I really think I am and who I want to be. So I gave up.
And I didn't think that was right for being in my 30's. Because you know, when you're 32 you should have every single thing figured out and know how to deal.
So I talked to Jodisattva. And she's been feeling the same way.
And I don't want to speak for her, but I feel a little more connected now that I know I'm not the only one out here on the other end of the telephone line. In fact, I'm willing to wager that there's a group of us standing in the middle of a forest on an alternate plane and we're all gripping the black handset of an old-style telephone, staring at a snaking cable that's sheared off not 5 feet from us. We're all yelling about not being tied to something. And in that space of panic, we're not willing to look around and realize that there are others stranded with us. That maybe we should shut up and collectively think about why we're in this space - and explore a little.
That being said, I'm ready to look around. Maybe take a little hike with my friend Jodisattva and figure out what this terrain is - and what we are going to do while we're here. Disconnected from where we think we should be. Unplugged from who we know we are.
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